How to Redecorate a Bedroom in 30 Simple Steps

Posted by Wombat Central on May 22, 2017 in Home Improvement |

The Girly’s room hasn’t had a facelift since before she was born, so we decided it was high time for a change. I feel compelled to pass along what I learned, since I’m practically a professional decorator now. Following are some steps to help guide you through a room redecoration of your own:

  1. Move child out of bedroom and place furniture in tiny upstairs hallway creating an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course for all to enjoy. (Optional game of “How’d I get this bruise?” also likely)
  2. Take turns camping out on the couch, enjoying sleepover fun and assorted back pains.
  3. Purchase primer for any parts of walls previously coated with dark paint.
  4. Head back for vat of primer after realizing the wall is a hot mess when only dark parts are primed.
  5. Prime that somb!tch again when you realize that the dark paint is still playing peek-a-boo through the fully primed walls.
  6. Hippity hop to home improvement store for perfect color paint and assorted supplies.
  7. Don painting duds and crack open paint can. Hallucinate dancing bovines in unitards due to noxious fumes.
  8. Return offensive paint to store and head to professional paint store for better quality paint.
  9. Present color swatch to paint dude five minutes before closing time. Note that the color doesn’t really match swatch when wet and hope it will match once it dries.
  10. Open can with great anticipation. Fall to knees clutching throat as lungs fill with ammonia vapors. Add insult to injury when noting color most certainly does not match the swatch when dry.
  11. Proceed to super swanky paint store to buy the kind of odorless paint used in hospitals.
  12. Go all Bob Vila Ross on that room for the next few days.
  13. <Optional break in action here for multi-day, area-wide power outage>
  14. <If you opted to continue painting without power as daylight waned instead of taking measures to prevent the untimely demise of your frozen foods, take note of spots you missed on the walls once power is restored>
  15. Fix bare spots and paint trim.
  16. Catch sight of ancient water stain on ceiling.
  17. Chat with your now bestie in the paint dept at Lowe’s and decide to try out the least stinky version of water stain primer.
  18. Paint ceiling. And Floor. And your hair. And anything else below ceiling level.
  19. Vow to never paint another ceiling due to herculean physical effort involved.
  20. Select carpeting and set up install date. Eagerly await the 7-10 day arrival.
  21. Wonder why noxious off-gassing of newly installed carpet hasn’t ceased after two weeks of airing out and dousing with baking soda.
  22. Call carpet rep to ask if his nose can come over to sample the smell.
  23. Have carpet installer un-install carpeting.
  24. Reluctantly select new carpeting and wait ANOTHER 7-10 days.
  25. Breathe sigh of relief when new carpet seems far less smelly.
  26. Decide after the standard 72-hour off-gassing period that no amount of airing out is going to rid the room of this brand new smell from hell.
  27. Draw straws to see which unlucky bastard gets the couch this week.
  28. Grant carpet store owner’s nose permission to stop by and sniff.
  29. Happily accept his offer to tear out this carpeting himself, since the regular installer has trotted off to Florida on vacation.
  30. Select hardwood flooring and wait impatiently STILL ANOTHER 10 business days…

So there you have it. Helpful tips for redecorating any room in your house!

 

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