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While I Was Out Shopping

Posted by Wombat Central on December 6, 2014 in Christmas, Entertainment, Shopping |

Even if you don’t consider yourself much of a shopper the other 11 months of the year, December has a way of making retail zombies out of even the most ardent anti-retail people.

I do enjoy shopping, as is evidence by this recurring blog post theme, but I actually enjoy it less during the hustle and bustle of December. So, I always have the handy dandy camera at the ready to keep things interesting. Why not have some fun while you’re rubbing elbows with complete strangers, right? (note to self: put hand sanitizer on the list)

 

(wait, what?)

(wait, what?)

 

After wandering through the deer hunting section of a sporting goods store, I realized that there’s an entirely different world out there I know nothing about:

2014-11-15 20.57.10

Note the words “habit forming” on the bottom of the label. Sounds very “sporting,” doesn’t it?

 

I wonder if that’s anything like window lickers:

 

 

Something like that...

Something like that…

 

On that note, I found something for the dog lover in your life:

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And something for the wine lover who wants to look like she’s just enjoying a waffle cone, but is really looking to forget the mess her kids made of the dentist’s waiting room today:

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If you can’t live without your beloved akkahol at work but the boss frowns on consuming it during bizness hours, consider paying homage to your favorite cocktail with this delightful tape dispenser:

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Because nothing says “A raging alcoholic lives in this cube” like an effing olive-shaped tape dispenser clinging to a fake martini glass.

 

 

Well, this clever frame would save me the trouble of putting on my own fake mustaches in stores:

2014-09-13 20.47.07

 

 

But it wouldn’t be nearly as fun as Mustaches at the Mall:

Victoria's real secret

 

 

You may look almost as cool as Olivia Pope in these outfits, but you still won’t be on a first-name basis with the president.

 

2014-10-06 19.17.43

 

These are grown-up clothes. From the not-a-child-in-sight section of the store. Where people who are too old to wear Disney characters are supposed to be shopping. You can be sure, however, that the adult purchasing these has a pair of Pooh bibbed overalls at home. And wears them to work:

Chances are the same person wearing this owns a pair of Pooh overalls. And wears them.

Oh, sweet Jeebus they have matching pants. They’re like adult Garanimals straight from Hell.

 

Did you know I have a thing for fun socks?

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Yes. Yes I am.

 

I thought these were pretty great, too, but I couldn’t explain any of these away, should my kids catch sight of my feet. Or the laundry.

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Just lift your pant leg to reveal what you’re really thinking without actually having to say it.

 

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I’m just here for the free cookies, beeyutch

 

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Exactly.

 

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But if they buy you cool socks, you might forgive them.

 

 

I know the world loves bacon everything right now, but this kinda crosses a line. This is frosting, people. Sweet, sugary tastes-like-dessert frosting. Not gosh-I-love-having breakfast-cake frosting. I think strawberry or cherry frosting is excitement enough for us all. This is just looks like a great big pile of diarrhea in a can:

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Please tell me those aren’t bacony sprinkles on top. Also, calling it “Limited Edition” doesn’t make it look any less revolting.

 

And on that note…

 

Find anything fun while shopping for Christmas?

 

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This Video Wouldn’t be Nearly as Dramatic With Waterproof Mascara

Posted by Wombat Central on December 3, 2014 in Music |

The chair I sit in while I’m on the computer is having some kind of identity crisis. Either that or it’s near the end of its life. It’s bad enough that my legs go numb while perched here due to the flattened foam (Who would have thought foam actually flattens. It totally does. The proof is under me arse.)

The new trick it does is after I’ve been sitting here a while, it slowly deflates. Every few minutes the seat lowers by half an inch to an inch, until I feel like I’m a kid who should be at the kiddie table for Thanksgiving dinner, but there wasn’t room and I got shoved in with the adults.

And my hands are typing way up high while my arse is way down low. Kinda like ape hangers on a Harley or something. Totally not ergonomically friendly.

ape hangers

Like this, but put a keyboard up where his hands are.

 

I’ll be typing along: clickity clickity clack…

and whoosh.

I’m shorter.

Clickity clackity click…

Whoosh. Even shorter.

Clackita clackita click…

Low rider.

I think I’ll finally have to give in and buy a new chair.

If I can reach the keyboard to order one.

 

****

 

Here’s a very short, completely unrelated convo:

 

Girly: Is that your favorite song this week?

Me: Yep.

[What was the giveaway? That you’ve heard it more than six times in a half hour?]

 

I feel like I should be singing, “Song of the week *snap, snap* song of the week, *snap snap* to the tune of the Addams Family theme.

 

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I Got Time for That

Posted by Wombat Central on December 2, 2014 in Computers |

How did I never know there was an autotune remix of “ain’t nobody got time for that?” What’s that? You didn’t either? Well let’s serve some of that up right now:

 

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Found!

Posted by Wombat Central on November 30, 2014 in Furry Friends |

I just have to share this happy tail (misspelling intended). Two dogs (brothers) went missing from their home in Western New York when they were a year and a half old. That was 21 months ago. Their owners searched tirelessly for them, putting up flyers, asking others to post them, and collecting sighting information on social media and the Internet.

Today they were reunited after 21 MONTHS! The dogs were found in Georgia! Someone there had heard about these two and thought they looked like the two lost boys. Long story short, they’re finally home. Who knows what they went through or where they’ve been, but it’s just unbelievable, and I’m so happy for the family!

 

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Decorator’s Decathlon

Posted by Wombat Central on November 28, 2014 in Bloggers, Christmas |

I heard the starting gun go off as I lay bleary eyed, head deep in my pillow the morning after Thanksgiving. No, it wasn’t the call of the shoppers, although that race got off to an early start when most had just begun to digest Aunt Verna’s green bean casserole. Yes, some Nutty McCrackers shoppers headed out into the night on Thanksgiving to

 

This is a different kind of event: The Holiday Decorator’s Decathlon. Eager merry makers begin the ritual the day after Thanksgiving. These days, some one-uppers deck their halls before the turkey even hits the table, which just seems wrong. Even Britney Spears, whom some find tacky, finds it a less-than-desirable practice. Britney, thoughts on Christmas trees before Thanksgiving?

no animated GIF

 

I, on the other hand, always seem to find myself at the back of the pack in this race. Call me a procrastinator, but I figure it’s legal to wait until the calendar declares the onset of December. Not so for everyone else here on Wisteria Lane. Noses are pressed to windows checking out the action. “Bob, get out there! The Arnolds already have their icicle lights up!”

Ah, the running of the lights. Used to be just watching a grown man try to make his way around the shrub time and again with tangled lights in hand was entertainment enough. Now they make netted lights that lovingly wrap themselves around it like a neat little arborvitae Koozie®.

Next up: Show-stopping inflatable fun. After all, what’s Christmas without an enormous illuminated, air-filled Santa that blows eerily in the breeze each evening? Oh well, it is comforting to know St. Nick’s right outside the window in case I think of any last-minute Christmas wishes.

 

Some fervent decorators have outdoor displays that grow exponentially each year. “Well, the Plotniks have candy canes along their sidewalk. I think we should too. And get one of those inflatable snow globe thingys while you’re out. They don’t have one of those.”

Still more have elaborate showcases that require assembly in stages. They add several additional features weekly, so you can drive by and always see something new. That’s thoughtful. I hope they’re on their energy provider’s budget plan.

The true pros decorate inside and out all in one fell swoop. It’s the ultimate in-your-face move. It says, “Check this out, loser. While you were drooling on your pillow, I decorated my seven-foot, pre-lit tree with 100 ornaments, put lighted garland up the stairway, set out cinnamon-scented pine cones for your olfactory pleasure, AND created a winter wonderland in the front yard, complete with animatronic woodland creatures. Go put that in Frosty’s pipe and smoke it!”

I refuse to join the competition. I do add a little twinkle to the front porch. Nothing too fancy, though. Don’t want to send anyone into a tizzy about having to keep up.

 

 

 

*This post previously appeared December 17, 2010. I freshened it up a bit for you to avoid that stale “been in storage next to dad’s old wrestling uniform” smell. You’re welcome.

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